Is this normal?

Let's get one thing straight: we are all human and imperfect, and each of us, at one time or another, engages in behaviors that are unpleasant (yes!). This happens when we are dealing with high levels of stress and/or our mental health is affected.

But when we talk about a difficult personality, disturbing behaviors appear almost systematically, regardless of the situation. These people are described as rigid, sometimes even toxic. They can wreak havoc in a company when no appropriate intervention is made with them: increased level of disengagement, recurring conflicts, burnout, sick leave, resignations, etc.

How to recognize them?

So-called difficult personalities have a way of thinking and behaving that diverges from what is socially expected, to which are added low emotional skills. Most of these people also often have self-esteem issues. This can explain their social awkwardness, and for some, their inability to question themselves and recognize their wrongs. However, these dysfunctional relational dynamics also make them suffer.

Personality and behavior types that can cause problems at work include obsessive, narcissistic, competitive, impulsive, intense, passive-aggressive, antisocial, avoidant, dependent, or even paranoid attitudes.

So what to do?

Take a step back

First, let's become aware of what is triggered in us by the behavior of others (judgments, emotions, physical sensations). We might imagine that an employee has a personal grudge against us, that they are intentionally trying to put obstacles in our way. Whether this is the case or not, we risk amplifying our reactions and our stress by ruminating on events without clarifying them.

Bringing the gaze back to oneself

Rather than focusing on what irritates us, let's question our own reaction: does the attitude of my interlocutor offend my values? Does he hinder my fundamental needs at work ? Does he make me feel powerless or incompetent? Or, am I recognizing myself in his vulnerabilities… Whatever the answer, our feelings are legitimate and it is important to be aware of them to avoid being biased by what is happening inside us (let's not forget to take care of ourselves!)

Adopt an appropriate relational posture

Putting yourself in the person's shoes will facilitate communication, because the simple fact that he can recognize that he is heard, not judged and truly understood will help him regulate himself. Let's ask ourselves: What is his behavior trying to communicate: a fear, an injustice, a perception of threat to his ego? What need is hidden behind his emotion: a need for security, recognition, stability? These questions will help identify appropriate relational responses.

Beware of the relationship trap

The challenge is to demonstrate the right amount of emotional availability and empathy, without playing the therapist, it's a big trap! So-called difficult personalities can be very skillful in the quest for support... The watchwords are responsibility, autonomy and limits, all in a caring environment.

Demonstrate managerial courage

Even though they have a significant impact on the preservation of oneself, others and the relationship, emotional availability and empathy may not be enough to resolve the relational and management problems that arise from them. In order to maintain optimal relationships with the people concerned, I recommend that you develop your skills to:

– Validate and normalize emotions. This technique is often enough to alleviate a strong emotional reaction in a short time!

– Provide positive and constructive feedback in a timely manner. Use this opportunity to align desired behaviors with your organizational values.

– Be proactive about interventions that aim to eliminate unacceptable behaviors, and conduct regular follow-ups to support behavior change. The worst mistake is letting things go…

– Quickly seek support from a professional expert in human relations to overcome any issue likely to disrupt working relationships, the climate, the culture, but also your psychological state of health…

Applying these techniques to all employees will benefit the health and well-being of all parties, including the organization itself. These are good management practices to apply without moderation!