Door 2: Behavior

I was shocked! Reality caught up with me and did not match my expectations. The honeymoon only lasted a few months, after my arrival in Quebec, in 2006.

Between finding a place to live (five different apartments in three months) and a qualified job corresponding to my level of education, knowing how to react to derogatory comments about my way of doing or being, is what posed the greatest difficulty for me. I had no resources and did not know what behavior to adopt.

"What to do?" is precisely the question answered by the second door, the "second logical level of change", according to Robert Dilts' classification. This level corresponds to Behavior and includes all the actions and reactions that we manifest in our environment. At the time, passing this level represented for me the opportunity I needed in my approach to change my life.

Identify triggers

While I needed support, I regularly let myself be affected by all the gratuitous, often unsolicited, comments that others shared with me with "great generosity": "You should give up, this project has no chance of working", "You don't have what it takes to succeed in this...", "I told you, it was a mistake...", "If I were you, I would have done it like that...", "You know, they don't like us here...", etc.

In spite of myself, what I heard affected me. I then tended to doubt, to feel guilty, to get angry or even to lose my self-esteem. I was systematically in reaction mode. This then required a great deal of energy and time to put myself back in a good mood… until the next time.

It was only after a few years that I realized that the pattern was repeating itself in my new life, in Quebec. The malaise was there, deeply rooted. And it was probably one day in 2009, at the beginning of my career as a corporate coach in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), that I understood the improbable: I had already experienced this many times in France and I was reproducing the same pattern, here, in my new environment. It was like a revelation for me. I had the choice: continue or change. I chose to change. Luckily, I now had new tools at my disposal.

My need? To keep my serenity and my lucidity. Not to let myself be affected by the other.

My observation? Identify the elements (feelings, words, gestures) that made me react.

How? By becoming aware of the emotion I was feeling at that moment, I had to identify the triggers.

Neutralize the Meaning

Once the triggers were identified, I learned in coaching that I had to neutralize the meaning I gave them, instead of reacting to them. Let me explain:

If I reacted to certain words, certain speeches that I heard, it was because I automatically associated a meaning with them, which did not, however, have the same significance for the sender.

Hearing the phrase “I told you so, it was a mistake…” unconsciously reminded me of my supposed inability to make good decisions. I felt that this was the message being sent to me. I took it as a reproach and it affected me. And like a chain reaction, the behavior I adopted next limited me instead of helping me.

What to do ? I had to find a way to neutralize the meaning I spontaneously gave to the trigger (the word, the comment, the gesture of the other person, towards me).

How ? When I felt the emotion rising in me (anger, sadness, fear, etc.) and I was about to react, I got used to using a visualization technique: I imagined a table or a virtual space between my interlocutor and me. I tried to see the unpleasant comments being deposited on the table or in the space created, instead of them immediately reaching my ears. This way, I had time to evaluate the word or gesture and reject its basis.

Change behavior

Creating this emotional distance between the trigger and myself allowed me, on the one hand, not to react under the influence of emotion, by avoiding letting myself be affected directly. On the other hand, it left me the choice of the most appropriate action to take for me at that moment, with serenity and objectivity. I was in action and no longer in reaction.

I had learned to change the response, to adapt my behavior, to maintain my power of judgment and action. From now on, every time I used this technique, I no longer let myself be affected by negative comments.

So it was in 2010 that I crossed the second door.

Simple in appearance, the technique required a certain rigor and consistency in its application. I had discovered it in my NLP journey, in 2010, but had only used it intuitively and sporadically. Recently, following a coaching session, I felt the need to integrate it into my daily life. I have since realized that I was in much better control of this second logical level of change.

Like me, you have probably been faced with this kind of situation at some point in your life, as an entrepreneur, employee, boss, parent, child, etc. Have you had the feeling of being overwhelmed by your reactions? Have you regretted a word, a gesture or a feeling? Would you have liked to act differently? Yes, but you lacked resources then?

Never forget, you have a choice. Don't limit yourself! Do things differently and get different results. Hold on to your power. You'll see, the doors will continue to open, because you are the key.